Onward

Today is officially my first day back in the office after Steph's miscarriage. I don't really know what exactly to do here, granted today is a Food Pantry pick-up day so I just have to wait on people to come in and I get to hand out food. This is obvious but I am definitely getting back up to speed quicker than Steph is, this is not to say I don't care, it is just that I'm a guy and I didn't have to carry our child inside of me for 11 weeks only to bleed him/her all out in the bathroom.

Sometimes I wonder if my life being shaped so significantly by my dad's death when I was 14 was a hindrance more than a help for me and those around me. I not only have a bit of a callous over my heart because I have seen death firsthand and continue to see it as volunteer chaplain at MGH, but deep down inside of me things like this don't hurt like they used to 10 years ago. This being my child that has died, I am in a completely different situation than ever before in my life. There was nothing I could fix, nothing I could figure out what went wrong, nothing I could do to change any of this.

John Eldredge wrote a book called Waking the Dead, I haven't actually read all of this book yet, but desire too soon. I receive on a daily basis emails from Eldredge's Ransomed Heart Ministry, and one of the quoted this book and here is what I read.

The mind takes in and processes information. But it remains, for the most part, indifferent. It is your mind that tells you it is now 2:00 A.M. and your daughter has not returned, for the car is not in the driveway. Your heart wrestles with whether or not this is cause for worry. The heart lives in the far more bloody and magnificent realities of living and dying and loving and hating. That’s why those who live from their minds are detached from life. Things don’t seem to touch them very much; they puzzle at the way others are so affected by life, and they conclude others are emotional and unstable. Meanwhile, those who live from the heart find those who live from the mind . . . unavailable. Yes, they are physically present. So is your computer. This is the sorrow of many marriages, and the number one disappointment of children who feel entirely missed or misunderstood by their parents.

Yes, the heart is the source of our emotions. But we have equated the heart with emotion, and put it away for a messy and even dangerous guide. No doubt, many people have made a wreck of their lives by following an emotion without stopping to consider whether it was a good idea to do so. Neither adultery nor murder is a rational act. But equating the heart with emotion is the same nonsense as saying that love is a feeling. Surely, we know that love is more than feeling loving; for if Christ had followed his emotions, he would not have gone to the cross for us. Like any man would have been, he was afraid; in fact, he knew that the sins of the world would be laid upon him, and so he had even greater cause for hesitation (Mark 14:32–35). But in the hour of his greatest trial, his love overcame his fear of what loving would cost him.

Emotions are the voice of the heart, to borrow Chip Dodd’s phrase. Not the heart, but its voice.

Waking the Dead , 41-42)