My Precious

So here is my ring the ring I recently got yelled at about sneaking off with to show my friends, and in particular one friend I haven't seen in about 3 months, enough with that here ya go.

Lost (not the show)

Sorry I haven't posted forever, for those of you who care.

Lately I have felt lost, not just in school work or work at Tree of Life. This is a deeper thing right now that I can't really explain. A feeling that as I am going through each day that I am missing something about that day, or about how my life was supposed to go that day. My soul is tired from this, I don't understand what this is or what to do with it. It goes deeper than my relationship with Stephanie and other people, even deeper than how I spend my time. Through the past two week all of these things have changed and the ones that are worthless in the future have lost priority in my schedule. Yet, my life still feels Lost. I am ready for the continuation of my life the future wedding that is to take place in 32 days, and the graduation that will be following that. I don't want to be here anymore I want to be with Christ in Glory and be able to ask what ever I want of Him and at the same time not have to worry about whether i can ask that or not. I feel Lost in the midst of the church, a church of fellow believers that seem so wise and knowledgable of things that I could only wish to have a speck of that knowledge. Does all of our motions really matter? My life is lost in my education with the onslaught of knowledge and information about life and history mixed with Theology, it can only lead to a decrease in Faith/Hope, all because with that little stupid degree that I will get in five months I will have been taught to use theology to answer questions or to use the history of the church to explain God. I don't like this and this is where I am Lost, in the midst of skeptics and cynics trying to keep their Faith in Christ.

Glory

Today I had the amazing chance to see the Sunrise as I do every Tuesday & Thursday even most Saturdays. This morning in particular it dawned on me (no pun intended) that every time I get a chance to see the sun rise in the cool of the morning I get to see a glimpse of Glory, in every sense of the word. It isn't just the beauty of all the colors in the sky but rather the fresh light and smell of the moment when that great orange ball passes the horizon to warm my day. The Glory I speak of is more than all that it is a Glory straight from God, straight from His fingertips that blesses me each and every morning I fall out of bed. The sun/Son is the revealer and I gladly allow myself to be emblazened in His Glory.

I got to preach!!!!

Just today not even two hours ago I had a chance to preach at my practicum church in downtown Marion, IN. This is only the 3rd time that I have had the chance to actually preach the word of God, and be asked to do it even. Anyway it was a great blessing to share my heart in this area of my life and share it through the Word. I spoke on John 15 and felt really good about the things that were coming out of my mouth and then after I got done my body just proceeded to shut down and get extremely tired, it feels good and it sucks because I need to study...so goodbye.

This is my senior year. I am ultimately called to be a career missionary, along with my beautiful wife. I have one problem with this. Along with my Intercultural Studies degree I am getting a degree in Christian Ministries. For this particular degree I am required to take a course in Church Leadership, given by a professor from the graduate program.

I have one major problem with this course. Especially knowing that I am going to be a missionary. Throughout this class we learn what we should watch for as a church is growing and the people are becoming more knowledgable and trying ot make ministries in the church stronger, while watching we have to keep people in line. Then we are required to look at all of these models of church minstry and even take a field trip to a church in Indy to observe the ministry and gather ideas about church leadership from this. The problem is all of this concentration on Church Leadership deals with America and American culture. I can't go to a different country throwing out ideas that work over here when I won't be over here.

The interesting part was when I brought this up with the professor in class. The answer that I received was "Sift Culture." No explanation at all from him, but that one phrase. If I knew what he meant it might help but once again I also realize that I can't always do as an instructor says especially if he doesn't understand that other cultures don't run like ours so we might not be able to "Sift" another culture. So I have to deal with this class and try to find something out of everything that is getting thrown at us, and figure out how I can take a principle from that to possibly use it elsewhere, outside the U.S.

Life as we know it.

Recently I was watching the news because this is my daily habit out of wanting to know what is happening across the globe. This time I was watching the local news out of Indy, on my glorious bunny ears. The last story of the show was sombering and raised a few questions in my mind that really caused me to things about my values. The only other time that I have thought so much about this was on the way back from the Grand Canyon with my great friend Tim Founds.

here is the story. There is a man on death row and now has been executed and pronounced dead. On the eve and the whole day leading up to his death there were multiple religious groups protesting the sentencing against this man. (In my mind his crime is irrelevant because he is still human.) This execution now that it went through was the 5th just this year. That is the most in the state of Indiana since 1938, WOW.

I don't think that the world is a worse place now than it was back then rather it is very similar, people are just more keen on everything that is going on and the bad is exemplified more than the good. As of yet I haven't found an answer to the way that I felt when I heard this or what I am to do with it. I am not one to support the death sentence or to openly speak against it, but this really bothered me. Take this and mull it over in your mind, find out how you should answer this, it is an issue and to not try to answer current issues of the world as Christians is hardly holding up to being a World Christian.

Grand Canyon pictures

Well I finally got all of the pictures onto my flickr account, at least all of the pictures that I wanted to put on there. so here is the link to go and have a gander at the amazing pictures that Tim and Matt took and the ones that I tried to take. http://www.flickr.com/photos/philard/sets/954175/

enjoy!

America's Tsunami

Just a few days ago I heard an interview with a survivor of the Hurricane from Mississippi. The only thing that I absolutely remember from that interview was the words of that survivor saying that this was America's Tsunami. One reason that has stuck with me so much is because I was part of the relief as were many people that will read this, granted we were all involved in one way or another and we were changed all of us.

Now this.

What to do? Our lives have changed because of this faster than they did when the Tsunami happened in December. We all felt that and we all feel this more than we ever would have wanted too. Now with stories of looting, riots, and general mayhem down in Louisiana and the surrounding areas we are called to help, in any way that we can no matter what we fear or anything, we MUST suck it up and help the people in our own nation just like we tried to of the many nations devastated by the Tsunami. All of those pictures that you see on the TV of the destruction that took place, that is exactly what I saw on my trip to Sri Lanka in March, take that to heart and remember how those countries are still being effected by that.

I have just today recieved an email from the World Impact office here on IWU's campus, asking that I would pray about leading a trip and would greatly consider it. The thought had already crossed my mind that a trip or two must go from this school to that area down there. Please pray for the guidance that I will need to make this decision and if necessary that skill to lead a trip to that area. This greatly excites me because I love to help people as much as possible and in any way, no matter the danger that could possibly come to me it is worth my blood and harm to take a chance and show a person the love of Christ and let them know that there is a Hope that is out there to lead them through the hardest time they may ever have in their life.

I want to move to Japan!!

Yes I really do. Not for any spiritual reasons or anything really like that, which there most definitely should be. But rather I would love to move there so that I could buy my own Robot that knows 10,000 words and can house-sit. How sweet is that.




look at this thing.

Who I feel like?

Who do I feel like sometimes? I don't really know always to say the truth it all depends on the amount of sleep I have gotten. But anyway now that I am living on my own down here in Marion trying to be an adult in kids body, or something like that, I don't always know what exactly to say that I am, other than a Christian. I am engaged which is awesome and only have 114 days left. I am now living on my own without a job wondering when I will get one so I don't have to sit on my butt all day after going around all morning looking for a job. I trust the Lord with everything that I am doing realizing that He has led me through much worse than this and helped me to see the purpose in some crazy events in my life. This time that I have to sit back and relax and take my time to do almost everything is a very interesting feeling to me. Not having a job is just that relaxing, eyeopening and boring all at the same time, mainly because me being who I am hates to sit around on my butt not doing anything, unless I'm watching a movie. So this time has made me realize even more who God is making me to be and already has in some areas of my life, making me also realize that He has the perfect job for me and the perfect timing to give it to me so there is no reason at all for me to get worked up, which is what I absolutley LOVE about God.

Isn't anger so weird

So recently as in last night I got into an argument with my mom, and didn't control my voice and felt I should show my anger. Yup I'm an adult now, can't ya tell. Anyway I find it so weird that I felt good holding onto that anger even though I knew that it would eat from the inside out. I really didn't care, I had reverted back to High school again. I continued to hold it in and hold it in not really caring at the moment how she felt. Then 10:45 pm rolls around and mom gets home from a trip to the relatives up north, and wakes me up in the doing. I just roll over and want to sleep but to my suprise the words how was the trip come out of my mouth, my mind says you idiot you could have been off scott free. Nope we talked and I got to hear about my relatives and all the things going on, and it eventually ended in both of us saying that we were sorry and forgiving each other.

It is still strange that I wanted so much to hold on to that anger and just let the problem possibly go away on it's own. It is that stupid sin nature thing inside me that wanted it and I fed it with every passing second of the night. I didn't like being mad because I knew it was stupid and at the same time I knew it was wrong but still liked it in a way, because it almost felt like I had the upper hand in the relationship with my mother and I. I'm telling all 5 people that probably read this that they need to not do what I did, anger isn't wrong it is wrong when we use it unwisely, or let it use us. I forgive my mom and ask her forgiveness once again because I still feel like a complete idiot for all of that. It seems to not matter all the knowledge that I have in my long 21 year life especially about this and yet I still make a complete idiot, bafoon and moron of myself. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for showing me what to work on, I wish I could have learned it in a different way.

THE RAPTURE

Well this weekend I'm up in beautifull Holland, Michigan visiting my gorgeous future wife. Today I just had the great chance to drive her to work as we watched the sunrise on the way there, it was absolutely amazing, oh and did I mention that she looks amazing in her nursing scrubs. Well enough of my mushy love for her. After I dropped her off and made the ladies there jealous of her getting dropped of by her loved one, I headed for Wal-Mart earlier than I think I ever had before. The reason to help out my father-in-law and get them some toothpaste that was forgotten at the store yesterday. Gladly I said, not being one to refuse serving a person (and the fact that it is good brownie points)! Kidding.

Anyway at Wally World I walk in sporting my bed-head still and as I was wandering down to the toothpaste I notice a box that was strategically placed with big letters on the front. RAPTURE. What they don't think they can sell the rapture do they?! It had other words on the front describing what the rapture really was along with the amazing and eye catching title. Turns out some genius once again is trying to make money off of the Bible with the idea that it will teach a persons children what the Bible says about the Rapture. It is a board game/puzzle. WOW I said and then I laughed at the thought of how many people today will likely walk by and actually buy it and thank Wal-Mart for this way of telling their kids about the Rapture, instead of actually just learning about it themselves and then maybe trying to talk with their kids about the interesting and controversial topic. Oh well that is just me I hope everybody enjoys buying their one way ticket to learning about the Rapture. HA. I wonder if you could really buy the Rapture for yourself. I will have to look into it.

kidding.

One life...

What is one life worth? I know how I feel I want to know your thoughts. What is ONE person's life worth to you? Anyones

Here's a Twofer

This one is for you Stevan. Last night at a hilarious meeting with some great guys and warm chips w/salsa, a crazy thought was raised by the Youth Pastor in the group. It was a theological question which grabbed my ear immediately. Here we go.

Why did God create Angels with a free will and why did God being all knowing allow Lucifer to go through with his plans because He (God that is) knew what was going on. Then if that is true what did the Angels think there was in Hell for them, but the Hell was created once they revolted. That was the end of that thought.

Next: How many Angels are in a 3rd of the Angels that were cast down. Then I came up with a real wise thought. How many Angels are there actually mentioned by name in the Bible. Well Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer, Stevan said. So that would make Lucifer one third of the Angels, right? I'm sure I would be in trouble with my Theology Prof right now.

Softball is a blast

Amidst all of the losses and mercy losses, we have one our fourth game of this summer Chruch softball season. My shoulder is sore and I know it was worth what I accomplished in making it sore, oh well. So this week it is already tuesday and I have started helping my mom move things into her new apartment. Lately I have been so busy and ridiculously tired from getting over a cold contracted from my great friend Tim as I went on the best trip I have been on in a long while. None the less things are getting better and better I am in an accountability group, but I now hate going to weddings and seeing Stephanie all dressed up and looking gorgeous as ever and not actually being there marrying her, 5 months left I pray for the time to fly.

Grand Canyon and Zion

Well this was one of the most amazing trips that I have taken and I loved it by far the most spur of the moment thing I did, and it was more worth it than the majority of the things I did. I had to deal with the crazy drive for 30 hours all the way there in a car that I didn't think I would fit in, got a chance to scare Tim with a Semi being hauled backwards. At the Canyon I was the first to even get close to a fair amount of sleep, 8 hours would have been nice. Zion was probably the most amazing thing I have seen in a few years, even if I did hike up 1400 feet at 1130pm it was a feeling almost like I was invincible. Try and figure out what picture it is and you will understand. Here is the link to my flickr site where I have more pictures up. http://www.flickr.com/photos/philard/

Over all the trip we had some great laughs awesome music thanks to the sweet soundtrack brought out by Tim. It was great to see some awesome guys and one great friend who gets to work in Zion National Park. The two awesome guys that I had a chance to travel with are also more than worth having in my wedding. Check out the pictures at Flickr. Live on THC

A whole week spent away, NOT ENOUGH!!!

So this last week I had the extreme pleasure of going to the Grand Canyon and Mt. Zion National Park with two of my great friends, and crazy night hiking commrades. The trip went way too quick and was so much fun that I can't completely describe how it felt to go back and see even more of God's beauty. I wanted to stay there for a month or so maybe even the summer like the lucky Juli Neff. Oh well keep your eyes peeled for my pictures coming soon. Holla

BLIND MAN DRIVING?!!

This is one thing I thought I would never see. Driving home from work today I see a van that has these words printed on the back. "CAUTION you are behind a Blind Man." First thing that comes to my mind is how in the world is this guy on the road let alone sitting in the drivers seat. Then I think well I have heard of some crazy technology but I didn't think it was going to be in an old crappy van like this one. After the turn onto the highway behind this man I got ahead of him as fast as I could. While passing him I see this printed on the side window. Burt's Drapes, by the "BLIND" Man. I was laughing harder than I had in a while it was by far a very clever idea and people will remember that guy, and how many times people looked twice or had a small heart attack when they pulled up behind his van. Either way I made it home safe.

My Life

Well my life has been pretty simple lately. Except for recently my gorgeous future wife came down and stayed here in Warsaw for a few days. While here she was amazing to me, more than anyone should ever be. None the less it was awesome to see here and just be able to be around her for a few days. Now she is back home and I'm back to the drudge of 8 hours a day in a factory without the excitement of bgetting to see her when I get back from work. If you haven't caught on I miss her and love her, she is amazing to me and I appreciate it more than she knows.

Next big thing going on with me is I get to see her in two weeks, and then I have the joy of going to the Grand Canyon, sweet!!!

Solitude and Silence...But WHY?

Just got back from youth tonight at Warsaw Wesleyan. We watched this extremely thought provoking video by Rob Bell titled "Noise". It talked about our life being engulfed with noise and distractions ranging from our technology to even a book(visual noise).

Now I realize even more how important it for me to have my times of Solitude. It was once said to me that meditation on Scripture is to hear God's heart and then Solitude is for us to feel the heart of God. If in my time of Solitude, that is minimal, (but yet more than what I have done in the past) I can better feel the heart of God which is what I desire, and what most Christians should desire, why don't I do it more. It is absolutely critical for me to find the heart of God in my life, and why not, He is the One that leads me in the ways I should god, "The Lord is my Shepard...He leads ME...need I say more.

So basically this is a challenge to both me and any other person that reads this, schedule a time in your day, heck substitute it for your devos, and spend 30-60 minutes just thinking about God not praying not doing a thing, the idea is to let God just speak to you like he did Elijah, in the sience. No excuses just do it, every single person that reads this and wants to do it post a comment let me know, I don't care who you are from Steph to Jmak. There it is I'm in on it are you. It should be our desire to hear from God, that is why we read His Word, no reason for an excuse except you are weak, and I have been in the past.

God and Star Wars!!

I'm back from New Zealand, it was an amazing trip, and I had a realization of my call to ministry. Aside from that I recently had the chance to watch a movie I had been looking forward to ever since I knew when it would come out, right when I was half way around the globe. Either way I got to see Episode 3.
A little history on this is that I have grown up watching Star Wars, reading the books and now dragging my fiance into it all. Basically I know the whole history of these movies. So seeing Episode 3 (a prequal to episodes 4-6) I knew exactly where it was going with the characters. I saw this movie with my fiance greatly appreciating here willingness to watch it with me. Somewhere between the middle and the end of the movie the main character makes decisions that I know will lead hime down a path of pain and suffering, turning him to the "Dark Side" becoming known as Darth Vader. Seeing the things that took place caused me some pain because of the darkness of the movie and my knowledge of what happens later on.
This movie really impacted me in one large way. I sat there seeing Anakin Skywalker making horrible decisions and turning to the dark side of the force. It then hit me that I know exactly what he is turning into and where he was going, I realized that I was seeing this movie how God sees mankind. I then pictured God sitting watching over us and knowing every consequence and trying to spur us on to make the right decisions too keep us from harm and Hell. That line of thought completely changed the love I have for these movies, especially this one. I hope that anyone who reads this will see this movie.

New Zealand!!

In less than two days I will leave to go on my second missions trip outside of the US. I won't be able to blog for quite a while, at least until June. I am asking for everyones prayers for the whole team's safety and our openess to the work of Christ as we are over there. Pray for me that I will do my best and be open to the Spirit as I preach my first sermon in a church ever, and it's overseas. That is so awesome and yet nerve racking too. I would appreciate that from everyone and I will fill you in on things when I get back. have a great month of May.

Lose your life

A struggle that has been on going ever since I have meet and realized I was to marry Steph, is my intense sense of defending her. I am called to missions, and not just ordinary missions. In the time that I was called within the next few days of prayer searching for where I am headed, I had an overwhelming sense that I will die on the mission field. That is great, for me I would rather die for Christ and spread his name through my blood than constantly fighting and possibly pushing people away by my words. The problem is I am to be married and she will be on the field with me. If at any time while we are in the field and someone attacks her or my future children, I would at this time in my life utterly destroy that person(s).
Is that right or Christlike? Would Christ have fought off, physically, a person that attacked his mother or friends? If I do defend my family am I slowing the work of the Lord, and am I going against the Love that I will be preaching/teaching?
I deal with that thought every day and I am now giving that up to Christ to take from me. I share this with more than a few people for the first time and am doing so to be honest and to keep Christ's work in my life and on my mind.

Guys & Sports

Competition. A wonderful and complex aspect of a man's life. Why do we feel like we have to beat a person. The fact that guys have some desire in their hearts to either have control over something or to show dominance in some way. It may be in a way of sheer strength or by completely destroying something by persistence. Either way men feel like in our hearts that it matters to others and especially our own self that we look good at everything we attempt. An example is tonight I got an awesome chance to go and play church league softball. Upon arrival with my bud Stevan I was told that I would switch from bench to field so they could see where to put me. Deep inside the male heart that I have I hear the words prove yourself to us that you can actually do anything to help us win or look better. I get psyched up in my head and get serious about warming up to show my so called dedication to this. To top it after warming up I'm told just remember "we are here to just have fun," I politely said yeah sure thing, somewhat sarcastically, knowing they want to destroy this team of fellow Christians as much as I do. It would show our male dominance and usefullness to the great sport of Church Softball.
There are deeper issues here though. It is quite possibly that I'm not that secure in who I am that I feel the need to prove myself to others, especially after just meeting them. It is sad that any man feels that and disappointing that the person we are should come from the relationship we have in Christ and be reassured through the Body of Christ(those fellow believers I desired to leave in my wake). The defects caused by the fall, we have a Hope.

The church and my mind

Recently I was required to meet with some of the wisest and God fearing people in my church district. In the midst of all this I filled out the forms by their request to give them an idea of where I was coming from and going in my life. To shorten the story I had some issues with them and the way they were requiring that I search out someone to mentor/disciple me, but during this time they are not involved in my life at all (lacking to do the things with me that they want me to do). I told them exactly that and even some other issues, like clarifying the stance on alcohol. The meeting was interesting and to top that my beautiful fiance was sitting right next to me feeling the tension.
The meeting went extremely well and I received some great advice and explanations to the things that I presented to them. This was by far the best of the meetings that I have gone to and hope it continues in this way. These people are respected highly by me and many others. Their advice sticks with me like I want it to.

Sleep, I don't know it.

Lately life has been different. I'm not required to get up and go to class or to even worry about assignments on the weekends. That is glorious. What is keeping me awake? Is it my longing to be in the safeness of my friends, those people that I cherish most (outside of with Steph), those people that I have shared my heart with, cried with, flown for 25 hours with. Maybe it is the fact that I don't like the feelings of emptiness that I have right now and I know that if I close my eyes I will see those friends that I miss laughing and carrying on with. They my friends that I would die for, the people that will always be on my mind. I may have only spent one year with these great people but in that time we have grown closer than many of us expected or maybe wanted. Some of us don't like change and would rather that we are all still in the same area to continue on with more together, I feel that.
Some things had to change, people will grow and gain other friends, but I have never felt about any group of people the way I have this past year. To let go of this bond that we have built up would be stupid and selfish. I long to see my close friends again and "butt bomb" the ever unexpecting person. I don't want to sleep for an almost eerie feeling that the memories will fade or I may start to ignore them when it is all the more healthy for me to speak of them. To use some scripture Proverbs 18:24, we are some of those friends that will stick closer than any of our relatives. Now I must try to sleep and find some comfort in the fact that my friends are feeling the way I have after this past year, and especially this week. Live on THC.

It Starts here!!!

Well, me of all people never wanted to do this, but look at me know. So much for my yes meaning yes and no meaning no. I am starting this to share thoughts and do my best to keep in touch with some of my greatest friends. In the midst of all this I am looking forward to see how my crazy mind will work and spit words/ideas out on to this site. Hope to keep up with everyone that reads this and that I don't offend too many people in the long run.